Hazel's HOTmail: Cultural Exchange

Dear Hazel,

I recently became engaged to a wonderful man. We met about a year and a half ago in graduate school. At first, getting married seemed to be the right thing to do but I am beginning to have second thoughts.
My fiancée is from Africa and the cultural differences worry me. When my family learned about our engagement, they immediately began telling me stories about African men who believe in having many wives and about how domineering African men are with their spouses.
I have never seen any of these characteristics in my fiancée. I wanted to be totally sure so I asked him point blank if I would be one of many wives. He insists that he is not interested in having another wife. He also says that we will be equals in this marriage and that I have absolutely nothing to worry about.
My mother strongly feels as if he’s just telling me what I want to hear right now but that everything will change after the I do’s.
I love him and have no doubts regarding his love for me but I can’t ignore the fact that culturally, we are worlds apart. His family does not live in America and I know very little about them or their lifestyle. All I know is what he has told me. I wouldn’t actually get to meet his family until they came to the United States for the wedding.
I don’t want to go into this marriage feeling like I am in the dark about what I may or may not be getting into. This decision will affect the rest of my life. How can I be sure?

J.T. in Chicago

Dear J.T.,
We have all watched the episode of Good Times about Thelma and Ebay. And, yes, we also have heard the horror stories about our friends who have married African men. I have one question for you. How well do you know YOUR African man?
Although cultural differences do exist between the two of you, I am not fond of generalizations. All African men are not the same just like all African-American men are not the same or any other individual within a group.
As with any marriage, before you walk down the isle, you and your fiancée need to have some real in-depth conversations regarding the vision you both have for your lives together. Both of you should be prepared to ask and to answer the hard questions honestly. Leave no stone unturned when it comes to decisions that will directly affect your life. The advice and concern of your family is genuine and well meant but you are the one who is getting married to this man. What do you feel in your gut? Intuition is an excellent barometer for bullshit.
What else can you do? Nothing. It comes down to trust. Either you trust that he is being honest with you about his beliefs when it comes to marriage or you don’t.


Hazel Mills
www.hazelmillsstories.com
Got a question for Hazel on love, sex, and relationships? Email her at hazelmillsstories@hotmail.com. Remember to put Hazel’s HOTmail in the subject line.